THE PROTOCOL.

This is not your typical food critic's arbitrary restaurant review with only lavish descriptions and over-generalizations, although there will be plenty of that. This review, or should I say "competition", is more in the realm of sportsmanship. THERE WILL BE NUMBERS INVOLVED! let's lay it all out:

I chose 10 restaurants in Nashville, TN that I believe are in the same league of service, those that provide upscale dining, have a creative menu, source from local purveyors, have a substantial wine list, are not a chain or franchise, are not a steakhouse, and most importantly are ROMANTIC, because after all, high cuisine is just another form pleasure. FOOD, SEX, and more food (after sex).

I will dine as many times as I see necessary for this one-man panel to collect enough "data" to conduct a "conclusive" study. Each restaurant will start with 100 points. These 100 points are the ONLY 100 points a restaurant will have regardless of how many times I dine. These 100 points are distributed amongst 20 specific criteria, with an allotment of five points per criterion per visit. For example, let's take the criterion "Doneness Precision", if at the four times I dined, the food was mutilated, 20 points could be deducted from the total. The idea is that if I am throughly impressed the first time, the restaurant deserves maximum points. Found an error in my experimental design? Points can be redeemed on subsequent visits. But only up to one less point lost are available the second time, and so on an so forth. It's a knotty system of weighing an average. Confused? Yup, a restaurant CAN score in negatives, but it's unlikely, it would require terrible food and sick-puppy faith to keep coming back.

1. Menu cohesion - Does the menu conform to a particular ethnic cuisine or theme? Is the menu brief and to the point? I hope so...

2. Pricing - High prices do not necessarily mean the food is spectacular, but it is a clear indication that THEY think it is. Do the prices reflect the quality? Bonus points for having cheap shit that tastes REALLY GOOD.

3. Beverage pairings - Has somebody in the kitchen tried the dishes with the wine they serve?! What tastes good together, somebody tell me?! Automatic 5 points awarded to the restaurant with either a sommelier or with suggested pairings printed on the menu.

4. Atmosphere for romance - Does this restaurant make you horny baby, ya!? But seriously, this is probably the number one consideration for restaurateurs, so let's hope they know what's sexy.

5. Cleanliness - Not the most interesting criterion, but is certainly important.

6. Waitstaff competence - Does my server know the menu and the preparations? Are they familiar with the wine selection and could suggest a nice pair? Are they attentive and professional?

7. Waitstaff enthusiasm - Does my server actually CARE? are they SMILING? yea I know, after the 4th asshole who bossed you around and didn't tip well, it's hard to be enthusiastic, BUT if you actually are passionate about the restaurant industry, these blunders would be mere bumps in the road. This is a tough win, I don't expect any restaurant to be awarded the full 5 points.

8. Overall management - Just look around, is there utter chaos ensuing? This may be a handout, unless piss poor management really stands out.

9. Flavor pairing basics - On to the food. Is there a smorgasbord on my plate? Chocolate covered tomatoes? There are certain fundamentals to cooking. A full five points are awarded to those that nail classics without boring me.

10. Flavor pairing originality - There is a fine line, did they cross it or hit it on the head?

11, Texture profile - Puree of filet mignon, potato, and mushroom... you lose.

12. Use of "easy-pleasers" or "cop out" ingredients - Are all the dishes chock full of butter, cheese, cured meat and then fried DEEP? If so, a full point deduction will incur. Use some creativity! Fortunately I weeded out most of those restaurants.

13. Use of salt - The food should taste like the food itself, not like salt. If my systolic pressure pushes 160, full point deduction.

14. Doneness precision - Were the vegetables cut to the right thickness? Is the fish done to a perfect medium rare? Is the steak done how I like it? Was my omelette cooked in 20 seconds like Julia Child does it? (btw, this is the only CORRECT way to make an omelette)

15. Dish sin factor - Yeaaa, some butter, cheese, and chicken-fried is great, sparingly and in good taste please. If done in moderation, points will be awarded, or if something just hits me like a slab of butter and I slip into some sort of food fantasy land, then they'll have victory.

16. Dish sex factor - If the taste OR appearance of the dish is sexier than my date, no points are deducted.

17. Presentation - An all inclusive category; beauty, sex, mastery, delicacy, playfulness, color, and physique, are all considerations for how good the food looks! If I think twice about delving in because it's just too beautiful... this is generally impressive.

18. Dish practicality - Can I physically eat this? or is my "fork" made of pulled sugar?

19. Healthful dish execution - If there is a vegan dish on the menu, it had better be over the top. I know it takes some brain power to make an interesting dish without meat or dairy, but it's not impossible. Restaurants with extraneous vegan dishes are deducted full points.

20. Kitchen speed - I will base this on how much noise is coming from the kitchen... just kidding.


There you have it, the oh so critical and snobby criteria.


THE CONTESTANTS:

In no particular order, and YES there are more than ten, it turns out that I found more fabulous looking restaurants.

Margot Cafe and Bar
Park Cafe
Watermark
City House
Miel
Tayst
Flyte World Dining and Wine
Acorn
1808 Grille
F. Scott's
Mambu
Marche
Rumors East and West